Backseat
by nomdeplum9
Summary: Postep to Paternity, now complete. She had taken the backseat to booze, to careers, to futures, and now, to his wife.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N-**I had to do a post-ep for Paternity. Minor spoilers for Intoxicated and Burned.

**XXXXX**

Today had possibly been the hardest day of her life. She had been in a car accident with her partner's pregnant wife in the passenger seat.

"_What about Kathy's appointment?"_

"_I forgot."_

"_I'll take her."_

She had had to save Kathy's life and comfort her when she was obviously afraid and panicky and hormonal. She had performed tasks that were meant for doctors or nurses, not overworked detectives.

"_Shh, Kathy…it's gonna be alright, just hold your head still, everything's gonna be alright…"_

She had gone in the ambulance with her, holding her hand and mumbling words through encouragement through her delivery. She had never delivered a baby before, never been privy to the act of birth so intimately before. She had informed her that she had given birth to a beautiful son, and she had kept that son warm as his mother passed out from her injuries.

"_Kathy, look…Kathy? What's wrong?"_

At the hospital she had handed the newborn off, to be taken care of by nurses and doctors and anyone, _anyone, _but her. She had seen Elliot's eyes as he pushed into the ER and rushed to his wife's room.

He had stepped outside of the room a few long moments later, a look of pure relief and utter happiness on his face. Was this how all new fathers looked?

He had thanked her then, and, much to her surprise, he had hugged her.

He. Had. Hugged. Her. And he hadn't seen the tears well up in her eyes.

At that instant, she wondered if he could still read her like he had once been able to. He used to be able to look up at her walking into the precinct and know if she needed an ear to vent to or a conscience to guide her. Could he tell what she was thinking now? Somehow, she doubted it.

She was thinking about his son being born, about the fairy-tale glow that was now shining on him and his wife. About how this was as close as she was gonna get to basking in that same glow.

Her life was spent sitting in the backseat. She had taken the backseat to booze, to careers, to futures, and now, to his wife.

Once, he had told her that he was the longest relationship she had ever had with a man. He was dead on. When he had said that to her, she could almost hear her mother's voice echoing harshly in her head, from the story she had once told Casey.

"…_and she came at me, screaming 'I'll never let anyone else have you.'…"_

At the time, she had taken her mother's statement to mean that her mother would always be there to ruin her relationships. She realized now that she had never been taught to be anything else but to be secondary to anything. She hadn't been taught how to assert herself properly when it came to getting the things she wanted out of life.

Things like happiness and unconditional love. Things like children and a family of her own to mother, instead of trying to will away any maternal instincts.

She had held _his_ child to her body and cradled him. She had accepted _his_ embrace because she knew he needed to somehow express the amount of gratitude he felt for saving his wife and child.

Once the doctors cleared her, she would go home and find comfort in a cup of hot tea and the empty bliss of sleep. Long ago, she realized that it was better not to dream, and by sheer willpower she didn't. She knows now that her window of opportunity to have what she wants in life is closing, fast, and that her chances of succeeding are very small. Her mother can rest peacefully in her grave again tonight, knowing that nobody else would ever have her daughter.

Tonight would be one of the hardest nights of her life. Once again, her personal wants and dreams would take the backseat to the cold, harsh reality of the hand she had been dealt.

**XXXXX**

So, horrible? Please let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N—**Thanks so much for all of the wonderful reviews. I love hearing about what was good or bad. I also love that people seemed to think I staying true to Olivia's character. I tried my best, and it means a lot that people think I succeeded.

**XXXXX**

When she got back to her apartment, the first thing she did was throw away the shirt stained with Kathy's blood. She put a pot onto her little stove for her tea and decided that a hot bath was in order.

She realized that she wanted a drink. A stiff, strong, coma-inducing alcoholic drink. And because she wanted it so badly on this night, she knew she couldn't even think about it much longer without giving in. That was something her mother would do and long ago she had vowed to never drink away her problems. It had destroyed her mother's life and caused her death and she couldn't do that to herself.

While the water was beginning to bubble she turned on the water in the tub, turning the knob almost to the point where it would burn. Her muscles were tense and she was still jittery, stuck in her "time to save a life, Benson…don't think about anything else, Benson," state.

From the next room her teapot whistled and it wasn't long before she was slipping into the warm water with a mug of tea in hand, wet towel on her forehead, and the scent of her citrus soaps filling the foggy bathroom.

It would've been perfect, would've been what most people needed to wind themselves down, but if she had learned anything through the years it was that she wasn't most people. She was craving something else, and it wasn't a drug or a drink.

She needed a friend. She needed someone to calm her, now, before she completely self-destructed. Normally she would go to Elliot, except he was the one who had made her this way. She might've gone to Casey, but by now she would've at least heard of the accident and how the amazing Detective Benson had saved two important lives today. Casey would want to hear every intricate detail, about how exactly Olivia had managed to do this to herself. The rest of the squad didn't know or understand the extent of her demons enough to know what to say.

It was this train of thought that made her shiver despite the warm water. Was this what her life had come to? Her friends could easily fit into the smallest interrogation room in the precinct. Was this really all that she had left now?

Her thoughts were jarred by the fierce knocking on her door. It was probably _him._ And she didn't want to talk to him right now. He belonged at the hospital, with his wife and newborn son, not with the woman who had willingly sentenced herself to whatever she was doing now just to make sure that they would still be there with him. She needed time to regroup and lick her wounds and she just couldn't do that with him around.

Her phone rang next, echoing loudly in the otherwise silent apartment. There was another bang on her door and she chose to ignore it again, taking deep breaths. She had to remember to breathe.

He had no right to come here now. After the mess of ideas he had put in her head, the monumental way that today had changed her life, it was just too much. She couldn't be happy smiley partner again, not so soon. She had plastered on a grin for the hospital and had let it crack when he had embraced her and that _couldn't happen again_.

She was afraid that if she opened the door, he would want to hug her again, touch her again.

Hugging him had given her a wholly unnecessary glimpse into the life she would never have, and while he had most certainly touched her before, this time had done it.

Time was what she needed. She needed to prepare for the inevitable and be ready to resign herself to stepping back from the world and watching what others get and she will never have.

This is completely his fault. If he hadn't hugged her, hadn't showed her the smallest bit of what life could be like, she wouldn't be hiding in her bathroom, waiting for her breaking point and wondering what she will do when she gets there.

**XXXXX**

So, if people want this to become a full-fledged story, I might consider it, or maybe just a little epilogue to wrap things up. Review! Please tell me if I completely messed up.


	3. Chapter 3

She closed her eyes and pulled the washcloth down over her eyes. The knocking persisted, and because they were so in tune with each other she could sense him getting anxious. The last thing she needed today was for him to decide to use his key and surprise her in the tub, so with a heavy sigh she pulled herself out of the water.

This wasn't Desperate Housewives, and she didn't make a habit of answering the door in a towel or short robe. After she had dried off, she had put on her warmest pair of pajama pants, a ratty souvenir t-shirt, and her NYPD sweatshirt to keep her warm. If she was lucky, he would think he'd woken her up and would leave quickly.

Her short hair hadn't gotten wet, and she swiped at her damp forehead with the sleeve of her sweatshirt before opening the door.

There, in all his glowing, fatherly greatness stood Elliot Stabler. He shut the cell phone in his hand and just looked at her, blue eyes burning into her. She carefully avoided his gaze.

"I never really thanked you for today, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay." His voice was low and quiet and she hated that he didn't even know what today had done to her.

"It was nothing," she replied, and she is proud that her voice didn't wobble and she is grateful that she hasn't broken yet.

"It was everything."

Her eyes closed again and she gripped the doorframe like it was her last connection to this world. She _knew_ he would say that, she _knew it._ His everything had been sitting in the passenger seat of her car. She knew that, and so she had forced herself to be strong enough to deliver them back to him.

He needed to understand that she had done that, for him, and that now she was paying and she needed to be left alone.

"Look, Elliot, it's late and I was just going to sleep and you should be with Kathy now."

"Oh, okay, well I guess I'll get going. See you tomorrow then."

She made a point of not returning the sentiment and he left, not knowing that she's going to need some time. She called Cragen and he asked her how she was doing. She replied that she was feeling very tired, that her adrenaline had worn out, and could she please take a day off tomorrow. He told her to take the rest of the week and to be ready to work with Lake on Monday, because Elliot had just called him and said that he was going to take his paternity leave.

She agreed quickly, thanked him, and hung up, taking three deep breaths before she was able to drop her phone on the counter.

There is a certain drag to her step as she pulls the comforter off her bed and bundles it tightly around her. She will do what she has always done when her world suddenly seemed a little to empty for her liking.

She finds an old black-and-white movie on her TV and mutes it before curling up on her sofa. Tonight, her bed is just a little too big for one person, and while the couch will almost certainly hurt her back in the morning, it is just the right size for what she has resigned herself to be for the rest of her life.

Unwanted, neglected, a second-string shadow of who she could be, should be.

Tonight, like every other night, she is alone.

**XXXXX**

_A/N—So how was this? I tried really had to keep in-character. As always, leave me a review. Let me know what you think!_


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was the amount of sunlight on the other side of her eyelids. After that, the fact that she had curled up into the fetal position with her comforter held tight sunk in. Then…

"_Jesus, _Elliot!"

He was sitting there, a curious expression on his face. A keyring was in his hand.

"You seemed a little off yesterday, and I wanted to make sure everything was alright."

She should have known this was coming. He left too easily last night, and now he was going to want to talk. She just wanted to be left alone.

"How long have you been sitting there?"

"Long enough to wonder why you're asleep on the couch when you said you were going to bed last night."

Inwardly she groaned than thought back to what she had said last night.

"I said I was going to sleep, but that's not the point. Why are you here? You should be with Kathy and…"

She realized that, despite him saying at the hospital that Kathy wanted to name their son after him, she hadn't been told the child's name.

"Elliot Edward, after Kathy's father, and they're both asleep now. …Kathy wanted me to make sure that I passed on her thanks for everything that you did for her."

"Elliot…" she sighed, and hoped the tone in her voice stopped him from going any farther with what he was going to say. She hated compliments and recognition. Usually they were empty, forced, and shallow. Coming from him and his wife, it was just too much.

She shifted on the couch and stretched out of the ball she had slept in. Her back and shoulders ached. Stiffly, she moved over to the stove, putting on a pot for a strong cup of tea.

"Were you hurt yesterday?" he asked.

He must have noticed the pained way she was moving. She didn't want him to care about her like that, she didn't like the feelings that came with it. She had been alone for so long, that anything else didn't feel right.

"I'm fine, Elliot. Go back to the hospital, I can take care of myself."

She sounded a little more broken then before and she hates it. What she wants to do now is run away, as soon as possible, and as far away as she can possibly go, but first he needs to leave.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright?"

She hates his concern, hates it. She hates that it symbolizes to her what concern over loved ones is like. His concern belongs with his wife and his child, not with his misfit partner.

She realizes now that she needs to be in the backseat, because anything else could mean something more and she isn't allowed to have that, want that, or even look at that for too long. She has accepted her role in life, so why is he trying to mess it up?

"I'll be fine, Elliot. I always am."

He gave her a sorrowful look before leaving and she locks up behind him. As she is walking back into the main area of her apartment, the only picture in her apartment catches her eye.

It is her brother, a picture of him at some barbeque years ago. It is enough to remind her that she doesn't need to be alone right now and that Simon is learning to care about her, and now she can go to him because going to anyone else would be awkward.

She calls him, her fingers still learning the number. She tells him that she was in a car accident, not seriously hurt, but that she doesn't feel like sitting in an empty apartment until Monday. He tells her to pack a bag, that he'll be in the city in an hour and she's going to stay with him until Sunday.

She hangs up and is grateful for this small escape. She doesn't want to think about what will happen if Elliot tries to check in on her again. She leaves her badge, gun, and cell phone sitting on her coffee table and starts to pack.

**XXXXX**

_So...how'd I do? Please let me know what you liked/diskliked. I love hearing from everyone!_


	5. Chapter 5

Simon rings the buzzer exactly 53 minutes after their phone call ends. She knows this because it only took her 34 minutes to pack everything she would need for the coming days. It was only a Wednesday today, yesterday had been a Tuesday and she would be staying with Simon until Sunday.

She uses the intercom to tell him that she will be right down. With a last, long glance at her phone, badge, and gun, she locks the door and rushes down the stairs.

**XXXXX**

Aside from the usual exchange of pleasantries, Simon wisely does not say anything during the car ride home, except to compliment her new haircut. When they arrive at his home, he shows her to the guest room that she will be staying in. He offers her coffee and she declines with an offhand shrug and quick shake of her head. After that, he sits her down in his living room and tells her to tell her little brother what's wrong.

She tells him that she was in a car accident, which he already knew, and that her car was hit by a drunk driver. She tells him that her partner's pregnant wife was in the passenger seat and briefly summarizes Kathy's wound and what procedures the EMT had her perform.

Her eyes get a little misty when she begins to talk about Kathy going into labor in the ambulance. Her voice fails her miserably when she says that she held the baby in her arms to keep him warm.

She had promised herself, right after the cursed hug, that she would not cry for that day. But that didn't mean she couldn't weep for the thoughts in her head.

Simon must've seen the cracks in her brave façade, because the next thing she knows he's got his arms around her and they're both rocking back and forth. There is wetness on her face and it takes a moment before she acknowledges her tears. He is telling her that everything will turn out okay and then he offers a bit of advice that she will carry around in her heart until she is released from this world.

"Everything is alright in the end," he says to her. "If it's not alright, then it's not the end."

His words warm her heart and she can only nod her agreement. He leaves her after a long moment of simply comforting her, his older sister, and she goes back to her room. It is decorated in neutral, tan tones and she crawls beneath the covers to take an afternoon nap.

In the moments before sleep takes her, she thinks of her life and what it amounts to. She helps victims, of all kinds. She has made friends with others who, in some way, were almost as broken as she was. Now, she thinks she has reached a point where she is afraid that helping others past their brokenness isn't enough to fix her anymore.

She has been dealing with hurting souls for far too long, letting herself feel almost at home with the pain and misery. Now, she feels as though she could sleep for days and still not be rid of the tiredness that has overcome her body. She has spent too long putting on a brave face and now she needs to go somewhere to rid herself of her demons.

She needs to go somewhere, because she cannot break in front of him.

Long ago, she had heard that for things to get better sometimes they needed to get worse first. When she self-destructs, and she knows it will be soon, she can't be here.

He will probably hate her for this, but she will leave once she can get her things in order. This small getaway, with Simon, might help her choose where she will go and tell her how long she needs to stay there.

**XXXXX**

_I apologize for the long wait. My only excuse is that earlier in the week I fell in love with "Tin Man" and that interim was yesterday, so I've been testing all week. Now, though, I should be updating more often. As always, please let me know what you think. I think I know where I'm going to send Olivia, but I'm always open to suggestions!_


	6. Chapter 6

She stays with Simon all week, learning mundane things about him and in turn sharing little bits about herself. She learns that he's allergic to down pillows and can't stand 80s power ballads. She tells him that she can speak French semi-fluently and that she loves to bake, when given the chance.

She spends her days chatting with him and when he goes to work at night she sleeps, sometimes for hours and hours on end. Sleep has become something she cannot get enough of, like an addictive chocolate candy she can't stop eating.

Munch stops by on Friday evening, waking her from another nap. He seems relieved when she answers the door and asks her how she's been.

She tells him all's well, that she's been visiting her brother since Wednesday and that she would be back at work on Monday. His response startles her.

"Elliot came by the precinct waving your cell phone around in his hand. Since when do you go anywhere without it? Or your gun, for that matter? Elliot said he found that, your phone, and your badge in your apartment. He thought you'd been hurt or…"

His voice trails off and she frowns at him, worrying her bottom lip into a thin line.

"He shouldn't have gone to my apartment. I'm fine, John. Really. I'm sure there's a better way to spend your Friday night than checking up on me."

**XXXXX**

The next day, Saturday, she and Simon are telling stories over dinner. The time for trivial facts has come and gone, and now they are both remembering sad times in their lives.

He asks her a question about her mother, and so she begins a story.

"My mother died about seven years ago now," she tells him. "And at her funeral, all of her professor friends came to mourn her. I got a letter from a cousin, whom I've never even heard of. My mother's mother came from a wealthy family in France, and a sister of my mother's had been informed of her death. The family there wrote to me, giving me their few memories and a place to visit if I so wished. Apparently the family still has a chateau a few miles outside of Paris."

He looks at her, and she can see his mind working.

"Perhaps you should call them, see how they feel about Cousin Olivia coming to stay."

She thinks for a moment, a curious look on her face, and can only shrug her agreement before clearing her plate and wandering off to go to sleep.

**XXXXX**

Simon drives her home Sunday after lunch and it is strange to be alone in her apartment. Her cell phone is on her counter, not her bed, but that is the only sign that someone was in her apartment during her absence.

She goes to work Monday morning, a worn smile on her face like always, and she has to remember to only pick up one coffee before work. She spends the day doing paperwork, because Lake is in court and Munch and Fin are out on a case.

That night, she digs out an old letter written in a mix of French and English and dials an out-of-country number.

**XXXXX**

"Bonjour. Je m'appelle Olivia, et je pense que je suis votre cousine, Olivia Benson. Serena Benson est ma mère."

"Ah, bonjour, chérie! Je m'appelle Nicole, ta cousine. Ma mère, Emilie, est ta tante."

"Ehh…est-ce que vous parlez anglais?"

"Yes, dear."

"Well, Nicole, I think it might be the right time to learn a little more about my family, perhaps, if you were willing to put up with a visitor…"

**XXXXX**

_Well, I hope that this lived up to everyone's expectations. Let me know what you think about the family angle, and please pardon my French. I'm only French 2, albeit it's an honors class. The conversation roughly translates to… _

"_Hello, I'm Olivia, and I think I am your cousin, Olivia Benson. Serena Benson is my mother." _

"_Ah, hello, dear! I'm Nicole, your cousin. My mother, Emilie, is your aunt." _

"_Uhh…do you speak English?"_

_Hopefully that makes sense. I hope everyone liked it, and I love reading reviews!_


	7. Chapter 7

She should be surprised that Cragen didn't look surprised when she tells him that she is leaving soon for a long vacation. She should be surprised, but he wasn't and truthfully neither is she.

It takes her a week and a half to get her things in order. There were several calls to Nicole, to arrange meetings and pick-ups and flights. Her cousin is childless too, she learns, and hasn't married. Instead Nicole has spent her life dedicated to Chateau Honnête, which translates loosely to Honesty Manor, the home of her family for many generations.

She buys her ticket online and pays the next three months of her rent in advance before packing up all of her things and making her way to the airport. She has told everyone that she is going on a much-needed vacation with the months of time she has saved up over the years. It is a plausible excuse, because she can't remember the last vacation she had, and people simply nod and tell her to have a good time.

She hasn't told Elliot she's going away and she almost expects him to show up at her gate as she boards the airplane. Somewhere in her heart she wants him to come and stop her, but those emotions need to be suppressed, now. She can't expect anything of him, because he doesn't owe anything to her.

She finds it oddly fitting that her seat on the airplane is in the back. She wonders if Elliot's God is telling her something, if He is telling her she is doing the right thing by going away. Whatever his God thinks, she is sure Elliot won't see it that way.

**XXXXX**

Nicole and her mother, who is sitting in the passenger seat of the car, both have Serena's light eyes and it makes her feel awkward. She climbs into the backseat with a sad smile, and she knows that being here will help her.

It has to help her.

Tante Emilie says something in rushed French and looks at her expectantly. She offers a helpless look at Nicole, who quickly translates.

"She says you are most certainly a Gaillot, even if you are American. She welcomes you home."

She has to close her eyes for a second and tries desperately not to cry. She is home, now, with the Gaillot family that is her family and they all will live in le Chateau Honnête and everything will be okay.

"Merci, Tante," she manages to say before turning her head to admire the passing Paris landscape. Their chateau is just outside the city, and Nicole tells her that she will be able to take a train or even a bicycle to come back if she wishes.

**XXXXX**

It takes her maybe two days before she is settled in at the manor where her family has lived for hundreds of years. She is used to the time difference, but she still prefers to sleep away her afternoons and evenings.

One night she wonders if Elliot knows she has gone. He will be back to work in three weeks, and he will probably be paired with Munch or Lake. She wonders if he will hate her for leaving again.

Inside she is slowly breaking apart, dwelling on the accident and her now purposeless life. Being a cop has carried her through many years, but now she finds herself needing things she has never allowed herself to need.

She decides that she will return to New York once those feelings have been properly banished to the backseat once more, as soon as she can go about her life without wanting for something more. She needs to be able to live like that, because she will not be able to get anything else. She doesn't deserve anything else.

**XXXXX**

_So…this chapter was kind-of hard to write. Please let me know what you think. Also, I'm seriously considering killing baby Stabler. Thoughts?_


	8. Chapter 8

She has been in France for two months and swears that Elliot is haunting her. So far, she has seen him at least three times. There was Priest Elliot, walking into mass one day while she was visiting Paris, then there was Train Conductor Elliot, walking down the aisle to take her ticket, and there was even a Beret Elliot, walking the street to the manor with one of those stupid black hats on his head.

All of the times she had thought she had seen Elliot, her pulse had quickened and she had felt sick. She hadn't been ready to face him. None of those times, however, compare to when Nicole yelled up to her as she napped one afternoon.

"Olivia! Olivia, il y a un homme à la porte! Il est très beau, chérie!"

A (handsome) man at the door? For her? Oh, no…please no.

"Une seconde!"

She brushes the bangs out of her eyes and blinks the remnants of her nap away before rushing down the stairs.

It is Elliot, and this time he isn't a figment of her imagination. He is really there, in front of Nicole, a mildly puzzled and very worried look on his face that fades away as she arrives at the door.

She manages to thank Nicole before pulling Elliot out the door and into the garden to talk.

"Why are you here?" she hisses at him, cursing herself a moment later because she knows she sounded panicked.

"You left without telling me! I didn't know where you went," he retorts hotly, and she wants to laugh in his face.

"Obviously you did, because you're here. Now you know where I am, so you can go."

"I'm not going anywhere just yet. Why are you here?" he asks her. She wants to lie, needs to lie, because he doesn't understand. She can tell he doesn't understand from the look in his eyes.

"Meeting my family," she fires at him. "The woman who answered the door is my cousin. She and her mother live here, and I wanted to get to know them."

"And your decision has nothing to do with the fact that you were in an accident barely two weeks before you took off?"

She is shocked by his response and thinks that she hates the fact that he can know her so well in some parts of her life but be a stranger in others. He really is just like everyone else in her life.

"I needed…I needed…" her voice falters and she doesn't want to tell him this.

"What could you need that you couldn't get in New York or even the country?"

He doesn't know her at all.

She almost cries at the realization but stops herself and manages to put a blank and unfeeling expression on her face.

"I needed to get away, Elliot. I always need to get away. You don't understand that yet, and I think you don't really understand me."

**XXXXX**

_So I would just like to say that I had the worst week of my life this past week, with tests and projects and shopping and the general havoc that suddenly became my life. I hope this was a good chapter, and please review! The response hasn't been that great in the past few chapters. Am I writing badly? Anywho, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. Happy Holidays to everyone!_


	9. Chapter 9

She stands there, breathing heavily and doing her best to glare at him. He looks wounded at her words and she shouldn't feel the pang of regret coursing through her veins, but she does a little bit and it only tells her that she will need to remain here for a while longer.

"How could you say that? Of course I understand you."

She starts shaking her head at him and lets out an exasperated sigh.

"You don't get it, do you? I needed to get away, Elliot. I needed to get away so badly and yet you still have this need to make sure I'm okay. I'm not your responsibility, Elliot, so stop trying to look after me!"

She's afraid that last sentence came out louder then she intended, but she can't take the words back now.

"You're my partner, so yeah, you're my responsibility." His voice is strangely calm, when she was certain he was going to explode at her. Perhaps unStabler would've been better to deal with then the man standing in front of her.

"I don't belong to you, I don't belong to anyone, I take care of myself. Stop trying to force me into a mold that I can't fit in!"

The frown on his face tells her that he still doesn't have a clue as to what she's talking about.

"What mold? What can't you fit in?"

If she were her father she might hit him. If she were her mother she might just turn away and hide in a bottle. She is both of them, and right now she is seriously considering hitting him over the head with a bottle of French champagne and shipping him back to the precinct.

She can't do that, though, and so she decides to play her last card. She needs to appeal to his misguided sense of fondness for her and get him to go away.

"Elliot, please. I'm trying to work through all five stages of grief at once here. Just please leave me alone. I'll come back when I'm ready to."

Apparently, this was the wrong thing to say. Very wrong, in fact, because it made Elliot look at her with an even more pronounced sense of care which made her long for the down bed in her room.

"Stages of grief? That's for when people die…did someone in your family here die recently?"

He casts a look around the garden, as if the flowers can give him a better answer then she can.

"No! Nothing like that…" she shakes her head quickly, casting an amazed look his way for even thinking that someone in her newfound family could die so soon after she met them.

"Then what are you mourning?" he asks her. Then he makes a big mistake. He reaches out and tries to rub her arm in what would've been a comforting motion to anyone else. To her, in her current state, it is only a painful reminder that she still has work to do here yet, so she jerks away and tries not to look pained by his action.

"Please don't," she mumbles, and she knows she is defeated. Her breaking point, which had been inching closer ever since her decision to go to France, is almost here and Elliot cannot be there to see it.

"Just tell me what's wrong! I want to help you, I want you to come home!"

Wrong thing to say on his part. Now she had an out, she could get angry with him and make him go away so that she could lick her wounds and try to pick up the pieces of her life.

"Home? Home? This is my home now. The city wasn't home, Elliot. It never was. It was a bad place, where things happened that I had to explain to my aunt and cousin because it was too horrific and embarrassing for my mother to explain. They're the ones I want helping me, they're my family, and I can rely on them now to help me survive what I'm going through. I don't need your help, I never did, so just go!"

If she's lucky her words have hurt him enough to make him leave. But she's never really been that lucky in her life, and he just stands there processing her little rant before quietly breaking the silence that had fallen over the garden.

"I want to help you, though, because I do think you need my help to get through what you're going through. Now can you please tell me what happened so that I can help?"

Uh-oh. Not intended, he's using his victim voice, that calm coaxing one he always uses when a vic doesn't feel like sharing her terrible tale.

"_Don't_ treat me like a victim, Elliot!" she hisses at him.

"So stop acting like one and tell me what's wrong!"

"You really want to know what's wrong with me?" she angrily asks him, and he nods as if she's insane for thinking otherwise. "Fine. I got into this car accident a few months ago, maybe you remember it? Well, I spent my day trying to keep a woman and an unborn child alive. I watched that child being born, and I don't know what the doctors at the hospital told you, but when the mother passed out a few minutes after giving birth, it fell to me to keep that child warm and alive. I had to hold a newborn baby after coaching its mother to give birth.

Then, after the happy family reunited and everyone was okay, I realized that poor little me, I was alone again. And after the day I had had, I didn't like it. So I did what I always do. I ran. I ran and you weren't supposed to follow me, so just go!"

"I don't want to go. I want to know why the accident made you feel like that!"

He was breathing heavily and she could tell his mind was running a mile a minute trying to understand what she was telling him.

"You just don't get it, do you? It wasn't the accident that made me leave, it was the realization that I still wanted things I couldn't have. I learned, a long time ago, that I couldn't want or need for anything, I could only be grateful for what I had. Then that terrible day happened and I realized that I still wanted something, so I needed to get away in order to take care of the problem."

She was on the verge of crying and it didn't make her feel any better. She just wanted him to go before she broke. She needs him to go.

"I still don't understand. What do you want so badly?" he asks her and she almost laughs in spite of it all.

"I've taken the backseat to my mother's booze, to my fiancé's career, to my boyfriend's future, and then I took the backseat to your wife. I shouldn't be upset about it, but that made me realize that I still had a problem separating my life from my emotions and I needed to be away from you to do it."

She is quiet now, defeated, and knows that he can see it in her eyes. He knows that she is in her rawest form now, and that the bags under her eyes and the lack of life on her face are only the simplest signs of her agony.

To her amazement, he only nods and walks away, leaving the garden and starting down the path towards the train station. When she is left alone she crumbles to the ground in a dramatic heap and lets tears she had held back fall.

She is crying because she knows now that to go back to the city would be unbearable, just as much as staying in France forever would be.

**XXXXX**

_So, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I was really unsure about this chapter, but I made it twice as long as all of the others. Please review!! Let me know if you want this story to have a happy ending or an unhappy one._


	10. Chapter 10

She should have known that his exit yesterday in the garden had been too easy, because now she can hear his voice echoing in the foyer of the manor, demanding that he be allowed to see her.

She is well and truly broken now, alternating between moods of anger, frustration, sadness, and regret. She is aware that she looks terrible, with dark circles under her watery eyes and an ill-fitting sweatpants and a sweatshirt combination that show that she hasn't been eating properly.

She hears Elliot's voice calling her name and threatening to go through every room in the place to find her. She wants to hide, so she tugs the canopy of her bed so that it is closed and buries her head beneath the covers.

She hears a door slam and Nicole's exasperated sigh, and a long moment passes before someone knocks on her door.

"Je suis mal a la tête, Nicole!" she calls out, and she really does have a headache. She's had it ever since the accident and maybe hitting her head on the dashboard caused it. Maybe the pain is simply a figment of her imagination, a sort of retribution for all of the thinking she's done.

Her door opens and, to her anger, Nicole makes her way to just outside the canopy to her bed.

"Je n'ai pas faim, Nicole!" she says, wondering if it is her cousin trying to bring her food. She isn't hungry, hasn't eaten in a while, and food does nothing for her anymore.

She hears the canopy being pulled back and she buries her head farther into the covers, curling into the fetal position with the blankets pulled tight.

She feels a hand rest on her shoulder, the sensation lessened by the all of the blankets. Still, she knows that the hand most definitely does not belong to Nicole or Tante Emilie. Her cop senses kick into effect and she prepares to deck the intruder when he speaks.

"Your cousin says you haven't been well."

Elliot. Nicole had let him into the house, into her room! She doesn't want to see him, she can't see him. Her shame from her breakdown was enough without him having to see it.

"You never did tell me what you wanted, what was so terrible that you had to cross the Atlantic to get over it. Please tell me."

His voice is somber, quiet, and it makes her heart break a little bit more.

"Can you look at me? I feel like I'm talking to a pillow here."

It is a miserable attempt at a joke and they both know it. She decides that she might as well give in. He can do nothing more to her now, so it cannot hurt more then it already does.

She slowly stretches out and folds the blankets back, carefully watching his face for a reaction.

He registers surprise for a moment before putting on that caring face again, the one that makes her feel guilty for wanting the things she wants.

"Will you tell me what terrible thing you want?"

She thinks for a moment and devises a way to avoid the question.

"I thought I was happy the past few years, you know? I thought that I would be okay living like I have lived forever. But now…now I'm questioning everything."

She hopes he will accept her lie and leave, but unfortunately he can see through her, just as he always has been able to do.

"You didn't answer the question…"

He couldn't let it go, could he? Now she's stuck answering a question she doesn't want to and she wants to go back to sleep and when did her life become so difficult? They used to be able to just be what they were without all of the complications and problems that they obviously have now. She used to be comfortable with her place in the backseat and his place with the wife, children, and family life that she had never had. Now everything was all messed up.

"Fine. I'm worried that my job suddenly isn't enough to get me through the day anymore. I've never thought that I would want to be the PTA mom or the wife cooking dinner. But the accident…and the birth of your son…suddenly I want to hug my child, my husband. But it's nothing. I'm working through it. And once I stop, I'll be able to come back."

He looks at her a long moment, with sadness, pity, and is that regret in his eyes? She doesn't know for sure. She doesn't want to know. She shouldn't have told him, she shouldn't have folded so easily, now she will never be able to face him…

"You shouldn't be afraid to want for things that are only natural in life," he tells her quietly.

"But they're not okay for my life," she reasons.

He goes to leave again, pausing at the door to say one last thing.

"Your life can change to fit what you want and need out of life. I'll see you soon."

And then he is gone, leaving her to her very confused thoughts.

**XXXXX**

_So the response for the last chapter was amazing, so I'm considering making my new chapters longer. Please let me know what you liked, disliked, and what you all think should happen. I love suggestions, comments, criticisms anything!, _


	11. Chapter 11

**Quote from episode—"Burned."**

She wakes up the next morning with the bitter resignation that she will have to see Elliot. She hates that he has this hold over her, she doesn't know why or how, but he does and she knows that he will not leave her until she is okay, in his eyes. Despite their problems, his wife and her screwed-up relationships, he feels that he owes it to her to help her.

She does not wish to take him from his family, not when he is the type of man that cannot function without them. She doesn't want him to feel that it's necessary to forsake his family because she's having issues. She doesn't want _him._

She wants the stability that she has only known through him.

Perhaps that is part of her problem. She can blame her relationship issues on her job, her lack of time, her mother, but she also looks for the Elliot Stabler part of every man she meets, partly because he is easily the man she trusts most.

"_I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man!"_

He was right a year ago and he's just as right now. He has been what has kept her from looking for more. Until their relationship changed, she had been able to keep on going on as she had always done. That had been changed by Kathy's pregnancy, his moving home, the accident, and somehow in that time she had lost her connection with him.

She needs someone with whom she has that connection, otherwise she will remain the emotional wreck she is now.

And, because of this realization, she knows what she must do.

**XXXXX**

She is sitting in the garden waiting for him, meditating among the flowers like the people she had met in Oregon had done. She sees his figure making his way down the road, the driveway, and up to the gate. She relaxes under the softening of his face as he sees her and wonders how he'll react to what she's doing now. She's going to give him an ultimatum, because the time has come for them to part.

"You're looking much better today," he notices, a small smile on his face.

"You commentin' on how I look, Stabler?" she retorts and it is a small reminder of the playful banter they once had.

"Never. Just saying that you looked a little worn yesterday. What did you do?"

He looks hopeful, as if he thinks she will say that everything's better now and that she's coming home to New York on the next flight. She might just do that. It all rests on whether or not he can let her go so that she can establish a connection with someone, whether he will be able to set her free from the demons keeping her here.

"I need to ask you to do something for me," she says quietly. Her face is coated with bravery and determination now. The woman she has been for the past two days, weeping and moping around, that hasn't been good and it isn't who she is.

He nods, studying her face. She used to hate it when he did that, it made her feel see-through.

"I need you to let me go."

**XXXXX**

There is a long pause in which she closes her eyes and braces herself for the coming argument. Sure enough, after a few long moments, he takes a step towards her and speaks, his voice low and unsure.

"What do you mean?"

She thinks back to her request and tries to clear it up a bit for him.

"I mean what I said. I need you to let me go. I can come back to the city and stop being your partner, or I can stay here and start over. Either way, I need to…distance myself from you to keep going."

He looks at her, still puzzled, only now there is a touch of sadness to his face. Instantly she feels guilty, knowing she is taking away some of his stability and that he doesn't handle that well. Yet, she needs to place her needs before his, just this once.

"Why?" he asks, and he glances at the dirt beneath his feet for her answer.

"I've become too dependent, Elliot, on you and the job. I value the connection I had with you more then I should have. I—"

He interrupts her immediately, his head jerking up at her words.

"What do you mean, the connection we had? You're still my partner, we still have that connection…right?"

She cannot answer him, does not want to answer him, so she fixes him with a stony and determined look. Slowly, she shakes her head and sighs.

"I had been hoping you'd understand. Somehow, either during the accident or before it, we lost the connection. Maybe I'm to blame, or maybe it's the both of us. Either way, I can't go on like I have. I need to start looking for something more and I just don't think I can do that with you watching over me."

He's shaking his head at her again, mumbling something about her "cursed independent streak." She feels bad for him, and for them. Somehow this didn't feel as freeing as she had hoped.

"So…can you do it? Will you let me go?" she asks him, a note of finality in her voice this time.

"I don't know if I can," he tells her, and at least she is glad for his honesty. He looks like how she feels. Beaten, broken, and very tired.

"Then maybe I will stay here for a little while longer," she decides, then turns on her heel and quickly leaves the garden.

**XXXXX**

_Thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews!! I hope this chapter lives up to everyone's expectations. But I do need your help. Should I make this an EO story or not? If it's EO, how should they get together?? The best idea might be used in the story, so speak up! As always, reviews are much appreciated. Happy New Year!_


	12. Chapter 12

She had almost expected him to come back the day after she asked him to let her go. Two days after she had asked him that, she had been in the garden and a plane had flown overhead and she had wondered if it was destined for the city, it Elliot was resting in one of its seats, going home.

That day had been over a month ago, and in the time since then she has tried to get her life together. She spends most of her time in Paris, observing and occasionally flirting with handsome Parisian men. She thinks she is stable now, spending her time learning the language instead of locking away the scum of the earth. She sleeps a lot, doesn't dream, and maybe is close to being content.

Sometimes she thinks about Elliot and the rest of the squad. She had called Cragen two weeks ago and told him that she wouldn't be coming back anytime soon. He had asked her exactly where she would be coming back from and she merely sighed and told him Europe.

And that was that.

**XXXXX**

She calls Casey, who is glad to hear from her and readily fills her in on the goings on of the one-six in her absence. She mentions court cases she's won and those that managed to get away and gives updates on everyone in the squad.

Except Elliot.

She loves Casey, she is a wonderful friend and a true member of the unit, but she knows that Casey knows her well, and knows her weaknesses. She's cared about him too long and knows that she will need to know about how he's doing.

Casey says that Elliot's youngest child is doing well and, even at such a young age, happily smiles and waves to familiar faces.

She is glad.

Casey gives her a small bit of information when she mentions that now he's making more of an effort into being home on time and not taking midnight calls. She tells her that Munch has become his new partner, and Fin has remained with Lake.

She is sad for the victims, because a roomful of men trying to coax a story out of a scared girl is the last thing they need.

Casey wisely does not mention anything about her coming back, only saying that she and everyone else miss their friend and that she hopes to see her soon.

**XXXXX**

It turns out that Casey does show up at the manor house long before she had expected her to, only about three weeks after their phone call, and the reason is that she was elected to bring the bad news.

"Elliot and Kathy filed again, and this time I think it's for real," Casey tells her, standing in the same place as Elliot had when she had asked him to let her go. "He wants custody of the baby and the twins, and he even told Cragen that he'd retire if it was necessary. I think he believes that they're the only ones left now, even though I don't think he ever let you go."

It is her strange choice of words, so eerily familiar to what she had asked of him almost a month ago, that makes her pay attention.

"What?" she asks almost immediately.

"He needs you, just like you know you need him," Casey reminds her quietly, and she knows that it's the truth.

With a soft sigh, she sees the only real path she can take at this point. Her instinct couldn't have been changed by the months she had spent in France. He was still her partner, it was her job to have his back. Forget her brokenness, forget the fact that she still hadn't completely banished her feelings or found someone else to rely on. Her partner was in trouble, and she would take the backseat once again in order to help.

**XXXXX**

_Sorry about the shortness of this chapter, but next Olivia will return to NYC!! Anywho, I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year and I am so grateful for all of the reviews. Keep them coming! It seems the overwhelming consensus is to have this be an EO, so I'll see what I can do!_


	13. Chapter 13

The first time she thinks that going back is a bad idea, she almost jumps out of the taxi en route to the airport. The second time, she nearly has a panic attack in the middle of the gate waiting to board the plane. Now Casey is napping next to her, they're over the Atlantic Ocean, and if she had her badge and gun with her right now she'd probably make the plane turn around and let her off.

She isn't ready to go back and secure his life, his _everything_, for him once more. She isn't whole enough to help him without hurting herself, yet she finds herself willingly putting her emotions in the backseat to go and help him. It's proof that she is returning to who she was, and she isn't quite sure if it's good or bad.

She was once called a saint, probably for not sleeping with her partner. She was once called a tough-as-nails detective. She isn't these things anymore. She simply exists, living day by day and fighting against what she has been all her life.

Alone.

**XXXXX**

Their plane lands smoothly and there is only a slight problem when retrieving their luggage. Casey is quite bright-eyed and bushy tailed from her nap, and she looks more at ease against the familiar backdrop of the city she knows and loves.

Casey is casting weary glances at her all throughout the cab ride to her apartment, where she will drop off her things before going to the precinct. If she is lucky, Don will give her back her badge and she will get used to being back in the life that accompanies it.

The time flies at her apartment and before she knows it she and Casey are standing in front of the precinct and Casey is telling her to just breathe.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asks her, and she offers a weak smile in response.

"Getting cold feet, counselor?" she asks dryly. "You were ready to kidnap me and bring me back here by force barely twelve hours ago."

"Yes, well…"

"I'll be fine."

Somehow, she always is. She is bruised, battered, and broken, has been for most of her life, and yet all this time she has been fine. She can do this. She can help him into the security of the life he needs and maybe that will help her push away her own needs, which are still and maybe will always be at the back of her mind.

It seems as though the city of New York had taken a temporary break from the nightmarish crimes that their squad investigates just because she was coming back. Munch and Fin and Lake are the first ones to great her, the latter hanging back as though unsure about how to act.

She is glad that he has been able to handle Fin and senses that he will be with them for a while, permitting.

Cragen comes out of his office with Casey following him and he presents her with her badge and gun and gives her a hug. She knows that he cares for her deeply, that in both their hearts she is the much loved daughter to his father figure, and that he has both missed her terribly and accepted her back without asking any questions.

She couldn't ask for anything more of him, of them.

Instinctively she glances around the room for Elliot, sensing that he is nearby. She notices a picture of his youngest son on his desk, a few months older and with a smile that rivaled his father's.

Munch meets her gaze and nods towards the locker room. He must be in there. She excuses herself quietly and, sure enough, his back is towards the doorway and he's slamming things around in his locker.

Suddenly, she remembers every single reason for why she's left when she went to Computer Crimes, Oregon, and now France.

And she has to remind herself to breathe when he turns around and his eyes meet hers.

**XXXXX**

_So while I've been having another horrible week, I've been trying to work on this. It's short, I'm sorry, but please give me feedback on how you want Elliot to react. I've got two different ideas floating around. Much love and thanks!_


	14. Chapter 14

His eyes meet hers for a split second and suddenly she feels as though they are back to square one. She wants things she shouldn't, and he is without a family. In a way, they are Special Victims, of their own creations. Surely the horrors in their personal lives warrant investigating.

He glances away after a moment, slams his locker shut, and inwardly she sighs, readying herself for an argument.

"Here to ask me to do something else? I've let you go and Kathy has moved on from me, maybe this time you want me to give up my kids? My job? I really don't have much else to lose."

This time her sigh is audible.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt—"

"You never mean to hurt me, but exactly what do you think you do every time you walk away?"

His words, interrupting her apology, sting and it takes almost all she has not to visibly recoil.

"I'm sorry that I put my needs before our partnership. It won't happen again," she mutters and he looks at her, anger and curiosity evident on his face.

"Why do you always do that? You never tell me when you're hurting and when I find out you never tell me what causes it. I followed you to France, and you still fought me when I tried to be there for you! Come to think of it, why aren't you in France? Shouldn't you be waiting for me to let you go? 'Cause I gotta tell you, I don't know if I ever will."

The look of curiosity has left his face and once again anger has taken up residence. She really studies his face for a moment, finding the sadness, stress, worry, and frustration that are masked by his anger.

"I'm not in France because Casey had to get on a plane to come tell me that my best friend was hurting. I came back to help, and to be perfectly honest I don't think I should be here, but I am. You wanna know why I'm hurting? Fine, here it is. I want stability, I want something that belongs to me and nobody else. I wanna feel love and give it in return. I want a child that has my DNA in my arms. I'm sick and tired of work being the only thing that I wake up for every day! So that's why, why I can't be normal and why I'm here when it probably was just another screw-up!"

His face changes again, and now sadness is there.

"You don't screw up. Don't _ever_ think you screw up," he tells her.

"Too late," she retorts. "I screwed up my mother, my relationships, and our partnership. The good news is I don't have anything else anymore, so I guess I'm all set."

In a normal conversation she would've sounded happy, but now she doesn't, bitterness and resignation is what remains and she wonders if he can still hear it.

He does.

"You didn't screw us up. We aren't screwed up. We're the dynamic duo, remember?" his tone is joking but she just shrugs.

"It's fine, Elliot. I'll get over it. What happened between you and Kathy?" she asks him, and it's clear she wants to get the conversation away from her problems.

"It's over," he answers shortly. "We never really had a chance this time around. I want the kids, I want to be there for EJ like I wasn't there for Maureen or Katie or the twins. He's my chance to do it right."

"How is EJ?"

"A handful. During the day he's restless but at night he sleeps."

"That's good…" she says and there really is nothing else to say at all. Both of them seem to have lost their ability to talk, unwilling to confront what hasn't been resolved between them. She doesn't feel up to fighting him, doesn't want to guard herself against what she isn't willing to face.

She doesn't realize it, but it seems that she's been spacing out on him and she snaps back to reality when she hears him calling her name softly.

"Did you hear me?" he asks her.

"What?"

"I'm asking you to stay. With me."

**XXXXX**

_I had a bit of a struggle with this one and I'm super sorry for the long wait. As always, reviews make me smile in the midst of my hectic life. I'm eternally grateful for all the support._


	15. Chapter 15

She blinks slowly, processing his request as he stares. Her face is betraying her uncertainty, and his is filled with hopefulness and nervousness. It's a bad combination that has formed between two people that fit perfectly together.

"I…why are you asking me that?" she asks finally, meeting his gaze with eyes that bear the scars of every hardship she has endured. She doesn't want to answer him, she can't, and he's going to be hurt. They both will. He doesn't know what he's asking of her and she doesn't know how to respond.

"I tried letting you go, but I realized I needed you more than I thought possible. So I'm asking you to stay. With me."

"How?" she questions, and then wonders if he will understand her meaning. She means how he wants to be with her. If he's asking for her to be his partner once again she can't, not yet, because she still hasn't shaken her emotions. If, by some unforeseeable twist of fate, he's asking for something more, something that could potentially involve those unwanted emotions of hers, she doesn't know how she will handle it.

She's not sure if she wants to expose that part of herself to him, to make herself even more vulnerable then she feels right now if he doesn't last. To lose him, really lose him, would be too much.

He hasn't answered her yet and it's making her nervous.

"How, Elliot? How do you want me to stay?" she asks again, sounding more forceful and panicked then she had thought. She is reduced to staring at the ground, waiting for rejection.

"I want you to stay with me, with only me. I want you to tell me what's wrong so that I can make it better. I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up and I want to be responsible for putting a smile on your face every day for a very long time."

His words are passionate and it is everything she wants to hear and more, much more. But she cannot help but question him, cannot help but wonder if this is all some horrible dream and she'll wake up alone in her bed, in France.

"Elliot…" she whispers, and her eyes seek his and look into the blue depths and the hopefulness, _and love? _she finds. "I don't know…I don't know how to be what you want."

It seems like he was expecting rejection, too, and when she voices her concerns a relieved look comes over her face.

"Be yourself. Be the woman…" he hesitates and she wants to lower her gaze but she can't, "be the woman I fell in love with."

**XXXXX**

She knows this isn't a fairytale and that there will be times when she will want to take the backseat, and somehow she can rationalize a few situations in her mind. When they tell his kids, there is a chance that she will take the backseat to them. Now, though, she is part of a relationship where she might just have a chance to get the things she recently found herself wanting.

Her fairytale is only just beginning. She and Elliot, the pair that everyone has suspected, have this chance and she's going to do her best to not screw it up. There will be no more running away to France, unless he is with her. There won't be any more secrets, and somehow that idea doesn't scare her nearly as much as it did months ago.

She can, and will, forget her mother, her old boyfriends, and his wife, and any hold they have on her. She will stay, and she will be just fine.

**XXXXX**

_So…this is the end, only because I'm at a loss of what to do with this story. I apologize for the long wait, and my next project will either be an SVU fic or possibly a venture into a new fandom for me, House MD. As always, feedback is much appreciated, and thanks so much for reading!_


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